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I’ve started this blog many times, and then quit and deleted everything.
I didn’t expect to be so heartbroken, but I am.
We are nearing our baby girl’s first birthday in about 5 weeks, which is funny, as I wrote a blog when she was only 5 weeks old.
When my husband and I first got married, we had always talked about having a big family. We were going to have 6 kids, dogs, and cats.
Then we had our first, he was (I think he still is) a perfect baby boy. Then he was abused by people we trusted.
Then we had our second, he came into this world like a canon ball, and continues to be a force to be reckoned with. He had surgery after surgery. Fighting with doctors became my specialty.
Next came baby 3. Our tiny blonde haired, blue eyed, sweetheart. She caused my body to go really wonky.
And finally baby 4. She put the final nail in the coffin.
I had terrible pregnancies. High risk with all four. We have lost 7 babies in total between the 4 of them.
I can no longer carry.
We had planned to probably be done at 30, which I was okay with. I was aware of the stress that my heart would be put through after 30.
Now though, I’m really struggling with the reality that this is my last baby.
This will be the last of my babies I see take their first steps.
The last of my first babies, I get to pick baby clothes out for… and it hurts.
The thought of giving away her tiny baby clothes, brings me to tears.
I think what makes it harder for me, is that the rest of my pregnancy was stolen from me.
She came early. I didn’t get to do the things I wanted, and now I will never get to. Not for myself, at least. I hope that makes sense.
Also, having a very difficult labor was not a good end to my already hard pregnancy. (HG is no one’s friend.)
I feel really guilty for feeling so upset about this.
I have four beautiful children, and there are women that would give anything to have just one. I’m also taken back by how much my heart aches from all of this.
However, this is where I am, and I know my feelings are my own, and they are valid.
Being made to feel bad about feeling bad, get this, makes me feel bad. 😑
If you know someone who is going through a loss of any type. Please, let them grieve.
Do not belittle their feelings, they are probably battling their own mind more than you can fathom.
Psalm 147:3
He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.
Listening from the heart 